Assemblies for the Lazy (Head) Teacher

Themes are optional.
Inspirational titles are not.

Choose one of the following:

• “Being the Best Version of Ourselves”

• “Trying Hard Even When It’s Hard to Try”

• “Kindness: It Costs Nothing, Unlike Our Photocopying Budget”

• “Respect: A Fantastic Idea!”

• “Our School Values, Whatever They Are This Week”

If someone asks for detail, respond with:

“We’re focusing on whole-school character development.”
This sounds very official. It explains nothing.

Students must believe the head teacher possesses:

• Authority

• Calmness

• Control

Even if you’ve spilled coffee on your shirt and stepped on a glue stick on the way in.

Walk slowly.
Nod at staff.
Look like someone who hasn’t asked themselves “What am I doing with my life?” at 6:12 a.m. today.

If using a slideshow, ensure:

• The clicker is charged (it won’t be)

• The projector is working (it won’t be)

• The sound system is functional (it won’t be)

• The IT technician is already in the hall (they won’t be)

When everything inevitably fails, sigh, smile, and say:

“Well, this is a good lesson in resilience!”

Congratulations: you’ve reframed chaos as pedagogy.

Start with any of these classics:

• “Good morning, everyone.” (Wait 6 minutes for silence.)

• “I hope you’re ready for a brilliant day.”

• “Today I want to talk to you about something very important…” (and then figure it out as you go)

• “Hands up if you can tell me what our theme is today.”
  (You don’t know. Let the children remind you.)

As a Barely Motivated Head Teacher, choose the least strenuous method of silencing a hall of 500 buzzards in school uniforms.

Options include:

• Raising your hand and waiting

• Staring intensely at one child until the whole hall goes silent

• Saying “We’ll wait…” in a tone that implies disappointment but not rage

• Pretending the quiet children are your favourites (because they are)

If none work, activate emergency measure:

“Teachers, could we have support, please?”

Instant compliance.

Your assembly message should contain:

• A story you half remember from a training course

• A moral that vaguely connects to the story

• Three rhetorical questions

• One dramatic pause

• Excessive hand gestures

Example formula:

“Sometimes in life, we face challenges.
Challenges that test us.
Challenges that shape us.
Challenges like… finding a working glue stick.”

Boom. Impactful.

Ask students to read something aloud.

Choose volunteers who:

• Can read without turning it into performance art

• Won’t panic

• Won’t shout

• Won’t ad-lib

• Won’t use the opportunity to make bird noises

If no such student exists, read it yourself.
Slowly.
With gravitas.
Pretending your voice isn’t giving up on you.

Assemblies love audience participation.
You do not.

Try these lazy-friendly options:

• “Turn to the person next to you and share one positive thing.”

• “Raise your hand if you’ve ever shown kindness.”
  (Even the naughty ones will put their hand up. Everyone wins.)

Avoid anything requiring movement.
Movement = chaos.
Chaos = early retirement fantasies.

End with a line that sounds wise but is essentially motivational wallpaper.

Examples:

• “Let’s all try our best today.”

• “Make good choices.”

• “Be the reason someone smiles.”

• “Remember: our school values guide us.”
  (You still don’t know what they are.)

Then dismiss in the slowest, most controlled way possible, while children attempt to sprint for freedom.

You don’t need to be inspirational.
You don’t need flawless tech.
You don’t need a TED Talk script.
You don’t even need a plan.

You just need:

• A theme-ish

• A story-ish

• A message-ish

• And the pure force of will to get 500 children to stop talking for 8 consecutive minutes.

And you did it.